I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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