Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
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