You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Sorry about my life...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize