dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
