booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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