just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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