omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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