I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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