Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
