LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
