Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
