whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
