Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
