Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
