She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We just shotgunned beers for America
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize