Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Randomize