It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
