not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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