there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
