Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wish you could order shots online.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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