a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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