all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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