he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
