also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
