Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
two words...techno handjob
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
