I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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