After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
