There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
