i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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