she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
