clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
