the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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