Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
