I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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