Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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