I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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