There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
