i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Alive.
So much puke
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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