I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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