someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
