My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
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