I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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