I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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