the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It was confusing and full of hummus
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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