So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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