Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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