definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I supernannyed him into submission
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
