I smell stomach acid.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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