he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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