I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
