And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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