Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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