I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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