All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
