Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
