Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
