Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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